Positive Pushing: Tips in School and Sports
Reported February 8, 2006
Academic “Red Flags” for Parents, from Psychologist Jim Taylor, Ph.D.:
Are you a perfectionist yourself, and are you placing expectations that are simply unrealistic on your children?
Are you a product of the “We Syndrome?” Do you make comments to your children like, “We didn’t do very well this semester.” Taylor explains, “I didn’t see the parents taking the tests and doing the schoolwork.”
Do you get more excited for your kids’ achievements when they succeed, and are you more depressed, frustrated and angry when they do poorly?
Taylor says the “red flags” for children include:
Fear of success and excessive criticism
Loss of motivation
More tips from Taylor:
“Paying your children for grades is generally not a great idea.” Taylor explains, “Using bribes can be an initial way to create some impetus for kids to work hard. But if kids connect too of their motivation with being paid, then that becomes an extrinsic motivation. And in a way, they may become hooked on it. And they will only work hard if they’re being rewarded monetarily. And ultimately, we want kids to be motivated for the love of the learning to pursue their own goals that they have in their life.
Parents often inadvertently cause their kids to connect their self-esteem with how they perform. Taylor explains, “Every time [the kids] take a test, whether they feel love and value and respected is on the line, and that’s an incredible threat that then causes the fear of failure.
Parents also often tend to micro-manage their kids and take ownership away from them.
Another mistake parents make is not allowing their kids to feel their emotions. Taylor says, “Emotional mastery is one of the most neglected areas of child development, and yet, it’s so essential for becoming a successful, happy, contributing adult.”
Sports Tips for Parents from Tina Syer, of the Positive Coaching Alliance:
Change the way you handle “mistakes” your kid makes during the game. Syer says when kids are young, the first person they look at after making a mistake during a sports competition is their parent. The parent’s facial reaction to the mistake can really impact the child’s self view Syer teaches parents to make a signal of “flushing” a mistake to their kids, showing them to just “let it go.”
Think about what it would look like if you videotaped yourself during the game instead of your kids. Syer asks parents to ask themselves: Would you be proud of what you saw during that video?
Instead of asking kids after the game, “Did you win?” or “How many hits did you get?” ask them: “What was your best play of the game? What did you learn in today’s game? What do you want to work on for next time? What was the best thing the team achieved today?”
Let your kids do the talking with their coaches. Syer says, “Parents will jump in, and they’ll go have the discussion with the coach first. And what we would say is let the child have a chance to have that discussion with the coach first. What a great life lesson to learn — how to talk to an adult about something that you really care about.”
Be a “Double Goal Coach.” Syer says you can teach kids to strive to win and have the best possible performances while at the same time teach them life lessons. She adds, “If you ever find yourself sacrificing that second goal and instead thinking, ‘I don’t know if I need to teach life lessons today; today we’re going to win,’ you know you have a problem.”
Take the time to sit down with your children and talk about what you hope they get out of the season. Syer says, “Otherwise kids will make the assumption that what you care about is the record, the first scoring, how they’re playing,” instead of things you want for them, like making friends, building their self esteem, and having good physical fitness.
Leave criticism to the coaches. Syer says, “You’re there to fill the kids’ emotional tanks and make sure they bounce back from mistakes, not to tweak their throwing motion or tell them where to be on the field.”
